Does my past define me?
by CaseyJr
Summary: This is a story mainly about Erin Lindsay: her past & present. Does Yates' escape from prinson destroy her from the inside? Will she do something stupid? Who can help her? (I don't watch Law and Order so far but I feel a great connection between Olivia and Erin.) Ready my story to find out what'll happen.
1. What happened?

**I just had to write my ideas down. I don't really have the time for a long story but hope that you will enjoy it anyways!**

 _Her vision was blurry and her face hurt like hell. With a moan she tried to get up but immediately her head felt like exploding. The metallic taste in her mouse almost made her vomit and when she touched her nose, she immediately knew that it was broken. "I am so stupid", she thought to herself and felt her anger arise when she heard steps coming towards her._

Erin loved waking up besides him. She looked at him and couldn't help but smile. He looked so peaceful when he slept. She cuddled closer to him, laying her head on top of his chest to hear his heartbeat. "Good morning" he whispered softly with his eyes still closed and kissed her head. "Did you sleep well?"

She nodded sleepily and pulled him closer to her to get warmed up. Usually she was the one waking up first from being cold. Somehow Jay had the habit of stealing her blanket at night. "I know how to warm you up", Jay smirked and pushed himself on top of her within a second. "I know you do", Erin smirked back and moaned when he started kissing her neck, not leaving out her soft spot that would always make her laugh.

"Hank will kill us if we are late today. He wants us in the gym cause there is no big case at the moment", Erin pushed him back, knowing that she could not resist him if he continued. "This is our pre-training". Jay went under her shirt to squeeze her breast softly. "I mean it, Jay!"

"And I mean it too", Jay answered back and wanted to lift up her shirt but he wasn't prepared for Erin's fast movement that left him pinned under her. "Such a dominant girlfriend"

"Oh stop it!" Erin slapped him softly on his chest and jumped up from him to get into the bathroom. She knew that they would never arrive on time if they started to make out now. She was about to close the door from the inside when Jay pushed it open, pulled her towards his chest and kissed her wildly.

"Great. I look like I've just been in on a rollercoaster and…"

"Well, you were" Jay smirked while Erin drove them to the department.

"Jay! You know that Hank can still take back being okay with us. I don't want to risk anything and being punctual is the least we can do."

"We are still in time", Jay rolled his eyes, pointing at his watch. "Stop rolling your eyes on me", Erin punched him softly at his shoulder which made him laugh out loud. It was good for both of them that things had calmed and that they had overcome the heavy times and now could just be silly with each other from time to time. Erin shrieked when she parked the car and as soon as the engine stopped, Jay pulled her towards him and kissed her softly. "I needed that before we get in and cannot kiss for hours." "Who said that?" Erin smirked and opened the car's door with a satisfying feeling.

Neither of them were prepared for the big news that would shake up their world. Again.

When they entered the department, both of them immediately felt that something was different. Everyone was watching them with a weird look on their face. An emotion between sadness, pity and also anger.

"What's wrong?" Erin immediately walked over to Platt. Few of her colleagues knew that Lindsay and Platt were pretty close – especially when Erin had been a teenager. Trudy had helped her through a lot of pain and had been the one convincing her to start a career inside the police. Platt took Erin's hand and squeezed it, which freaked Erin out a bit because that meant that something really bad had happened. "Voight?" Erin asked but Trudy immediately shook her head when she saw the fear in the younger woman's eyes. Trudy knew that one of Erin's biggest fears was loosing Voight.

 _"_ _Where is he? You have to tell me where he is!" a girl, not much older than 10 years ran into the Chicago police department. Trudy looked down at the confused girl and when she saw the busted lip and black eye, her protector instinct immediately sat in._

 _"_ _Hey sweetheart, who do you mean?" she could tell that the girl tried to suppress her tears. So she went in front of the desk and wanted to push the girl softly into another room to get more privacy but as soon as she touched her, the girl flinched and went backwards to get some space between them._

 _"_ _What is your name?" Platt then carefully asked. She hated seeing kids in such a sad state and wanted to catch the bastard who had obviously hurt her. The girl's movements made it clear that there were more bruises hiding under her clothes. Also it was summer and the girl wore a long jeans and pullover as if she wanted to hide something._

 _"_ _NO! You have to tell me if he is dead. I need to know that", the girl screamed madly and made fists. It looked like she wanted to threaten Platt but of course Platt was not threatened at all._

 _"_ _Okay, I will try do that but I cannot do that without an name. Is it a friend of yours?"_

 _The girl looked up and hesitated for a moment but then nodded: "Yes, he is my friend. I think. He always comes by. But he had not come since days. He works here. His name is Hank Voight. Mabye…maybe someone shot him. Did that happen? Is he dead? You have to tell me!" the girl was now crying._

 _"_ _Okay, come here," Trudy pushed the girl into the room now. The girl immediately got free from her grip and wiped away her tears in pain._

 _"_ _Why didn't anybody tell me that he is dead? Who killed him? I will kill this person!"_

 _"_ _Okay, you stop now", Trudy pulled the girl closer while holding her at her arms. She looked deeply into the sad eyes, "Did you even listen to me, young girl? Hank Voight is a good friend of mine and he is definitely not dead but was lying at home with a nasty bug._

 _"_ _He isn't dead?" the small girl wiped her tears away although more and more were coming._

 _"_ _Nope, he is alive."_

 _"_ _Are…are you really sure?"_

 _Trudy laughed, "Oh yes, sweetheart. I am sure. Actually I've heard him this morning being angry at some colleagues. And you, are you going to tell me your name now? Normally I don't give such information without knowing who is standing in front of me. So, who is this brave little girl in front of me?" Trudy gave her a handkerchief._

 _"_ _Emily. My name is Emily Brown", she whispered and took a deep breath._

 _"_ _Well then Emily. Could you tell me how you got this nasty black eye and split lip?"_

 _"_ _I fell off a tree. I have to go now. My parents are waiting", the girl lied and looked down on the ground. Trudy didn't get a chance to answer because her phone started to ring._

 _"_ _Oh, look! That is him actually. Hey Voight."_

 _"_ _Platt. Is there a young girl at the department?"_

 _"_ _Yes, there is one standing right in front of me and was scared that you were dead", she could sense the huge relief in his voice._

 _"_ _I need to talk to her", the little girl hesitantly took the phone into her hands and whispered a "hello"_

 _"_ _ERIN! Are you okay? I'm at your house right now." Erin knew that Hank would see that her whole home looked destroyed._

 _"_ _Yes, I'm okay", Erin lied, bit her lip and started to sob again. She hated that she couldn't stop the tears._

 _"_ _Are you hurt?"_

 _"_ _Not really. Just a small bruise. Dad was just mad at mom" Erin whispered her lie._

 _"_ _Okay, you stay where you are. I'm coming." Hank answered and Erin nodded and gave the phone back to the officer._

 _"_ _Trudy, she is lying. She is hurt, right?"_

 _"_ _Yes!" Trudy looked at the sad girl who sat down on a chair and pulled up her legs to hide her face between her knees. Trudy realized that Erin, not Emily, held her arm in a weird position and was obviously in more pain than she wanted to show. Platt didn't realize that that wasn't the first broken bone Erin had already had in her short life._

 ** _What did you think of it so far? Thanks for reading!_**


	2. He Is Back

"Go talk to Voight!" Erin looked confused at Platt, someone she knew for over a decade. She then looked up at Jay who just squeezed her hand to show that no matter what, he'd be at her side. With fast steps they walked upstairs and were relieved when they saw that each colleague was alive. Something was definitely weird. Everyone was looking at Jay with a pity look and did not seem to know what to say.

"Okay guys, what the hell happened?" Erin asked openly into the room with frustration showing in her voice. Immediately Hank walked to his door, took a deep breath and then started talking "Lindsay, Halstead, into my room!" Both of them nodded in confusion and sat down in front of Hank who had closed the door as soon as they were in his bureau. Erin could tell that Hank was hesitating how to start talking, something that always freaked her out. It always meant that she was in trouble or something bad had happened.

"Hank, you're freaking me out. What is it?" Erin whispered and was glad that Jay was at her side.

"Sorry, kid", Hank apologized and started "That bastard Yates escaped prison with another inmate."

There it was. The bad news. Jay and Erin looked shocked at Hank. While Jay could feel his anger arise, Erin stared back blankly at her fatherly figure. Memories of Nadia promptly came up. Good ones but also bad ones. She didn't hear what Jay and Hank were talking any more but horrible pictures of her friend being tortured by Yates flooded her mind.

"How the hell could that happen?" Jay yelled angrily at his boss knowing that this was not his fault.

"I don't know but we are going to find out how and we are going to get this bastard back where he belongs to. Lieutenant Benson and her squad are already investigating and…"

Erin could see that Jay and Hank were talking but her mind could still not understand a word. She touched her head in pain when the headache started and moaned but then said in a strong voice "He should have landed in a grave in the first place!"

Hank looked sympathetically at her, "I know kid, I know! Lieutenant Benson and I talked to each other and we both think it's best if you don't join the investigations on the field but stay at the department, the others will…." Hank knew that Erin would flip out.

"What?" Erin asked shocked and stood up, "No, no, no! You cannot do that, Hank! He…he…murdered Nadia. He…" she stopped when she could tell that her voice broke from suppressed emotions that wanted to come out so badly. She had gone through a lot of therapy during her teens to learn to express her emotions in a better way. One of the methods was to take a deep breath when she realized that she wanted to destroy everything around her. So now, Erin took a deep breath.

"Erin", Jay started but was stopped immediately by his girlfriend.  
"No! Don't you dare say that he's right." She turned around again and looked at Voight "I cannot sit here and do nothing. I own it to Nadia. I…"

"He might be after you, Erin" Hank answered and wrote something on a paper, "These words were found in his cell."

Erin took the paper in her hands and read it _Cannot wait to see your beautiful face again, detective Lindsay._

Erin felt like she was going to vomit. For Yates this was all a game. They were his mice. He was the cat. "He is playing a game with us. Well, if he cannot wait to meet me, then let me be bait! That way we catch him."

"What?" Jay looked shocked at his girlfriend and couldn't imagine ever putting her into such danger. "Never!" he answered first and looked at Hank hoping that he would dismiss her idea as well. He was still having nightmares from seeing Erin in the hands of a rapist and sometimes wondered what would have happened if he had been one minute too late. There was no way his girlfriend would play bait now and put herself into danger. He was relieved when Hank shook his head. "That's too much of a risk."

"Nadia was not just my friend. She was everyone's. Why am I the only one who is not allowed to investigate?" Erin asked madly in frustration. Hank was not shocked when Erin hit her fist against the wall in anger. He knew such outbreaks and could tell that she was exploding from the inside.

"Because you are the only one I cannot trust to protect your own life. We all know how you dealt with loosing Nadia. You pushed and drugged away your pain. How can I trust you, not to do that again? I know you, kid and most important, I love you and I don't want to ever bury you. Ever."

Erin knew that Hank was right. Of course she was feeling better. The drugs were behind her and she was in a good relationship and happy but still she fought with her demons. "Can you promise me that you won't do anything risky if he is close by?" Hank asked calmly, already knowing the answer.

Erin hesitated. "It is not about me. It is about Nadia…and…"

"Nadia is dead. You are alive." Hank said harshly and regretted his words when he saw Erin's hurt look. Erin turned around and felt like running. She furiously opened the door and left his office by closing the door very loudly, making it clear to everyone that she was more than mad.

 _"Are you not talking to me now?" Hank asked when he sat down in front of the teenager, who was sitting at his couch._

 _"I am not talking to you!" Erin said furiously. "You ruin my whole life!"_

 _"I bet I do!" Hank just nodded while reading the newspaper. It was the weekend and while the mother-son-weekend went pretty great, the "father-daughter" day didn't really go as planned. Hank had learnt to sometimes just ignore Erin's outburst instead of screaming back and fueling her anger even more. In some way Erin had managed to help him become a bit calmer. He decided to listen to her when she ripped the newspaper out of his hands and stood in front of him with crossed arms._

 _"I thought you're not talking to me but I hear you pretty loud, kid!" Hank smirked and took a sip from his coffee._

 _"First of all, I'm not a kid any more, so you can stop calling me kid and…"_

 _"Never, you'll always be my kid. Next please", Hank tried to hide his laugh but of course Erin knew that he was not really taking her seriously at the moment._

 _"Stop laughing!" Erin screamed and walked after him when the doorbell rang and Hank went to open it. She was hurt when she saw Olivia Benson at the door. This was supposed to be her day with Hank but of course work went in between again. Not that she was in the mood for such a day anyways but nevertheless now her anger doubled._

 _"Hello Erin, how are you?" Olivia greeted the young woman with a smile. Hank had already warned Olivia about the upcoming tantrum of Erin. Olivia liked this young fiercely and brave woman. She knew about her past and had been shocked when Hank and Camille had told her that they would take her in. Camille was one of Olivia's longest and best friends and in the beginning Benson had been worried that they had not really thought about the impact of taking in a girl with such a history but Camille's frequently calls had convinced Benson that taking Erin in had been hard but good for everyone. Finally Camille had gotten the daughter she always wanted and seemed to be happy._

 _"Hello…I'm…"_

 _"She's mad at me for throwing a guy - that bruised her whole neck - into a wall. He is lucky that I didn't do more!" Hank pointed at Erin._

 _Erin wanted to answer but somehow always felt a bit weird in front of Olivia. She liked the woman and truth to be told, she admired her for being a woman working at a police department and not having any fear – at least that was what Erin thought. She wanted Olivia to not think bad of her._

 _"Just give us a minute please," Hank told Olivia and walked into a room with Erin to finish their argument._

 _"You cannot do that to every boy that is interested in me. Everyone is going to know that I have this crazy old man sitting at home waiting to harass them. No one is ever going to date me then." Erin tried to keep her voice down. She didn't know that Olivia could still hear every word._

 _"You still have enough admirers that throw stones at your window at night." Erin looked shocked at Hank "Yes, I know that. It's not only you I am looking out but also these boys."_

 _"What is that supposed to mean?"_

 _"Do they know you're not only dating one boy, huh? From now on you date none of them. You are still grounded."_

 _"For what? I'm fifteen. I am supposed to kiss. That's normal. Maybe you forgot because it's centuries ago since you were my age."_

 _Olivia burst out into laughing in the other room. Erin was definitely a match for Hank and she admired how calm Hank stayed. That was a huge improvement_

 _"First of all, you came home after curfew. Second, you were drunk!"  
"I was not drunk. We just drank two beers. That's not…"_

 _"Third", Hank interrupted her, "you are fifteen and he is about to turn eighteen and just got a girl pregnant. End of discussion!" Hank walked out of the room to Olivia who just greeted him with a pitiful smile._

 _"Teenagers" Hank just rolled his eyes "Do you want anything to drink?"_

 _Erin was mad. Very mad. She laid on top of her bed and threw a ball at the wall again and again. On the one hand she wanted to scream at Hank and Camille for treating her like a baby and grounding her again. On the other hand she was also mad at herself for breaking a rule again and acting stupid. She picked up the pillow and screamed into it. After a while she realized that she was hungry and went downstairs. She didn't even look at Hank to show him that she was still mad. If Olivia was not there as well, Erin would have definitely continued the argument, instead she just whispered to herself "Great. So Camille and Jason have a fun time while I come second to the Chicago crime." Of course Hank had heard her whispering and turned around to the bored teenager._

 _"Does that mean that you changed your mind and now want to spend time with me?" Hank smirked and could tell how Erin tried to find the right words. "We just need to talk for about 15 minutes, then the two of us leave to…"_

 _"To do what?" Erin interrupted him with a surprised look on her face. Hank rolled his eyes and took another deep breath. Having two teenagers at home was like living in a hormonal bubble that you could not escape. "To practice shooting."_

 _"NO WAY!"_

 _"Yes way"_

 _"Oh my god. Thank you, thank you, thank you!" Erin hugged Hank tightly with a huge smile on her face. She loved practicing shooting like a real cop but Hank was always skeptical if it was the right hobby for her with all her anger inside and especially Camille didn't like Erin's fascination with guns. "But change first!"_

 _"Why?" Erin looked down at herself. She liked her outfit that definitely showed too much of her skin. Hank just looked at Erin who immediately held up her hands "Okay, okay!"_

 _Hank and Olivia laughed when Erin ran upstairs in a happy mood. "How can you survive such a mood swing?" Olivia smirked happily knowing that Hank understood the joke. "Well she's one of the best things that had ever happened to me and she has come so far already. I'm proud of her. She just hast to realize herself what a great person she is."_

 _They didn't know that Erin had heard Hank's words and wiped away her happy tears. She had never imagined that anyone would ever say that she was the best thing that happened to them._


	3. Teenagers

"If I was your boss, I would have done the same, Lin" Erin looked up at Olivia and nodded. She was extremely frustrated; nevertheless a soft smile appeared on her face when she heard the name "Lin". Only Noah called her that way and she loved that little boy to death and Olivia always knew how to get through Erin. "Listen to him. Once!" Olivia put her arm around the younger woman, who looked like she was going to explode in a minute.

"He…you were there. He killed Nadia. I want him dead and…"

"Erin! We all want him dead. But what you mostly want is revenge and you hope that killing him will ease the pain. It will for a moment but then you'll realize that Nadia is never going to come back. The pain won't stop." Erin looked up with teary eyes and welcomed the warm embrace of the woman that had helped her overcome Camille's death years ago. "I just…" Erin suppressed her sobbing by biting her lip.

"I know. Now go upstairs, we still need your help. Not in the field but at your desk!" Erin nodded and started walking to the door. She stopped and turned around again: "I'm glad you're here, Olivia."

Olivia nodded, appreciating the bond between them.

 _When Hank opened the door he could already hear the yelling coming from his two teenagers: Erin, who had just turned 15 and Justin, who was only two months younger. These two had a love and hate relationship. One day they would be pairing up against him and defending each other no matter what and the next day they would scream and physically fight. At the moment they were in the garden and it looked like game fighting but he knew that sooner or later it would become real, something that he had witnessed way too often._

 _He went over to his wife Camille and hugged her from behind while she was preparing everything for the barbecue with Antonio and Alvin. "Do you need help?", he asked with his raspy voice while holding her tightly. "You could let me finish preparing everything", she turned around and pulled her hands around his neck to give him a soft kiss. The soft kiss was immediately interrupted by a loud scream of pain and the sentence "you asshole, that hurt" coming from Erin. Camille rolled her eyes. "And now you could help by making our youngsters not kill each other. They have to clean their rooms anyways. Especially Erin. Her room looks like a bomb exploded. Again."_

 _"_ _Let them kill each other. It would be so quiet and peaceful without them", Hank joked, kissed Camille again and then went outside._

 _xxxxx_

 _"_ _Get off of me!" Erin tried to break free from Justin but he was sitting on top of her with his knees on her arms. The only thing she could do was trying to kick him, which didn't work. "Juuuuustinnnn!" she screamed again._

 _"_ _Say it!" Justin looked down at her with a smirk, enjoying his own strength._

 _"_ _Never, baby boy", she teased him and didn't give up. Somehow Justin had become stronger and stronger with each day. A few years ago he was way too small for his age and Erin had enjoyed being stronger and taller but now he had grown a lot and gained muscles so that most of the time Erin didn't stand a chance against him any more, something that annoyed her very much._

 _"_ _Hank!" Erin immediately yelled when she saw him coming out and walked slowly towards them. "Get him off!"_

 _"_ _You will never win if you don't fight your own battles, kid", Hank smirked with his hands in his pockets while looking down at her. He could tell that the fight already lasted for some minutes because Erin's hair looked like a mess and both kids were sweating._

 _"_ _Oh shut up", Erin just answered and kicked her foster dad._

 _"_ _Did she just curse and kick me?" Hank looked down at Justin who nodded with a mischievous smile._

 _"_ _Well, Erin. I can't help you. Justin has every right to tickle you now", Erin looked shocked at Hank, who walked over to Antonio, who had just arrived. The men smiled when Erin screamed and laughed at the same time while Justin was torturing her merciless._

 _xxxxx_

 _Antonio shook her head, "Why do I train her when she doesn't remember anything of it and loses a fight to a fourteen year old toddler? ERIN!" Antonio yelled towards them "If you don't start using any of my techniques, you'll do cincuenta sit ups next time"_

 _xxxxx_

 _"_ _That…is…not…fair!" Erin said between laughing and then managed to pull her legs around Justin's torso with all of her strength. With another push she managed to push him backwards and then pulled his boxer short between his buttocks. "Aaaaaarrrrghh" Justin moaned in pain and tried to get them down again._

 _Hank raised his eyebrow and looked at Antonio who held up his hands in defense. "I didn't teach her that." Hank laughed and both men went to the table to get a beer. He didn't know what to think of Erin's ungoing desire to become a cop as well but anything that kept her mind off of drugs and helped her getting better was fine with him._

 _Obviously Erin's victory was short lived because Justin was already sitting on top of her again - this time on her back. "Owwwww, that hurts!"_

 _Hank took the camera and made some pictures of the teenagers. He enjoyed this moment and hoped to have more of them in the future. Carefree teenagers. "Dinner is ready!" Camille finally said and immediately the hungry teenagers ran to the table, took a plate and food. "Well hello to you too," Alvin smirked and received a smile from both teenagers._


End file.
